Consciousness and Self

I set out to find myself. I was driving up the mountain, experiencing what it was to be conscious, which is somewhat of a paradox I think. In order to recognize consciousness, one must be conscious. But, one can be conscious without recognizing it. For example, after I rounded Nun’s Corner and came flying down the hill, I was examining what my experience of reality consisted of. There was my vision, my nerve sensations of the autumn wind against my cheek, sound of my car rounding corners and then there was it, the indescribable sensation of being, of existing and knowing it. Often, this awareness manifests itself as a voice inside one’s head. This is certainly the case for me.
We’re never really alone. Truly, we are having more conversation inside our minds while driving alone than we would be if a friend sat in the passenger’s seat. It’s absurd. And the whole point is to realize that the voice isn’t really there. You’re making it up. But who are you?!? Don’t we usually assume the voice is one’s self? If not, what is the self, and what is the voice? There is no “self” part of the brain. All of our reasoning takes place through that voice. Or does it? In situations where we have to react quickly, there is no voice. We just do things. But when it comes to pondering over a question, the voice says “okay, let’s see here. That quiz pretty good, although it could have been better. I’m tired. Shit, last night was rough. I should have gone to sleep earlier. But the novel I’m reading is just sooo good. Dostoevsky. What is the Gambler going to do to get back at all of them? Was I good enough last week in bookclub? I feel like I’ll never break through the barrier of being a student making points to that of a teacher, or well informed college student. It’s so frustrating. When will it happen? When I am not waiting, or wanting, it to happen. Like enlightenment. Shit, my mind is wandering. Ahh shit! Self, consciousness…”
And then, once again, I get “out of my head” and realize what Mingyur Rinpoche ( a great master, who recently abandoned his monastery and took to the mountains like the great yogis of old) means by the “monkey mind.” It truly never stops. Indeed, it’s the “self” voice in my head that’s dictating what words I will type on the paper. Where do the thoughts come from, the“stream of consciousness?” I like Fred’s (my teacher at the stupa) method. When a though arises, ask yourself “where did it come from, and where does it go?” Sometimes it seems like some unknowable region inside my head, but more often than not the answer is “nowhere.” How can something come from nothing? Isn’t that one of the oldest riddles out there? It’s like spontaneous particle/anti-particle pair formation in a vacuum. But are those particles really anything? Mostly empty space.
And particles and anti-particles have mass – physical existence. What about thoughts? It’s hard to think of them any other way, since as a human I am not used to non-physical, experimental research. Truly, that’s what meditation is. It’s researching into the nature of your own mind. No one else can do it for you. No one can confirm or deny anything you “discover.” It’s very easy to trick yourself, and until you have reached a great, deep level of understanding, eliminating observational bias is next to impossible, for ultimately one must observe the observer. In other words, thoughts arise inside the mind. You, as a meditator, recognize this, and examine the thoughts (the thought itself, not its content). After a while, one gains a small, momentary understanding, or at least sensation, of some aspect of these seemingly interminable, transient thoughts. But then, what is observing the thoughts? Is there some kind of recognition that can take place beyond you, who is observing the thoughts? If so, what is it? This would be what I call unconscious recognition, much like a person pulling his finger away from a hot stove. No contemplation or recognition needed; it’s just a reaction. Likewise with observing the observer. It can be observed, but not through any active process. It’s like knowing that you’re going to win/lose the game, get the part, make her laugh. Instant, completely confident recognition which has no need of intellectualization. Deeper than the voice, and thoughts.
 That’s what I was looking for. That deeper level of knowing is perfect, but almost completely blocked off as we live our everyday lives. Everything becomes over intellectualized. It’s like the difference between solving an elementary and a more complicated math problem. In solving the equation 2+2, one does not have to think before scribbling down 4. A person could go through an entire page of such simple addition problems, instinctively knowing the answers without any voices in the head or intellectualization with the end of problem solving. Present a person with a complicated derivative equation, however, and in trying to solve it the mind begins to speak. There is no instinctual, deeper complete knowing to take place. What some steps in the derivate equation may have developed into inherent knowledge, such as the derivative of cos is –sin, but the solving of the system as a whole requires intellectualization – problem solving – and a different kind of thinking is taking place than in the completion of the addition equations.
Solving an equation on a math quiz is one thing, but how can we consider these forms of thinking, or knowing, within a larger context? Why can’t all knowledge be the deeper, perfectly-instinctual kind? Would life become boring? Wouldn’t this mean the answers to everything lay waiting inside one’s mind? Perhaps they do. But what happens when this kind of knowledge proves false? Or, can we say that if something is false, it cannot, by definition, be an expression of this deeper knowing quality?
 Ultimately, the problem of a voice inside one’s head is that by having endless stream of thoughts as I drive up Hyde Park Road, my reality (or at least the aspect of my reality I’m contributing the most brain power to) is happening inside my mind, and possibly not even happening at all. What then, am I doing on this earth, living the majority of my life contenting myself with an endless stream of thoughts that don’t seem to really exist? Then again, my entire experience of the universe, and “reality,” is created within my own mind. My mind makes light waves into books and computers, sound waves into fingers tapping at the keyboard, and the breeze feel cold against my skin. It’s all a product of your mind, a powerful computer. Is it ever possible to break free of this, to experience the world free from Blake’s “doors of perception?” One might say yes, the answer is drugs, but a drug is still a chemical acting on your mind, and although the experience is one of leaving the sensory and conscious experience of the mind and entering another, it is brought about by physically ingesting a substance which creates chemical reactions in your mind. The ends, in the case of experiencing a reality external from one’s mind, do not justify the means. This experience, by definition, must be brought about without altering the mind at all. This is where Buddhism explains the experience as recognizing the true nature of the mind. All you have to do is relax, and study it a little bit, and you can break free from perceiving “yourself” as separate from everything else by seeing that perceiving the world only through our own minds is nothing more than a trick we are playing on ourselves, and have been playing for a long time. And what to do when this state of enlightenment is achieved? Won’t life become boring? No, is the resounding response from Mahayana Buddhism. You spend your time helping others make this realization, seeing your silly habitual patterns acted out before your eyes by all of those who are still stuck with the thoughts and experiences imposed on them by their own minds, and being filled with such contentment from your realization that the only desire you can possibly have is to help others find it. And when all beings reach that state? Well, I have to admit I’m at a loss, at that point. We’ll see when it happens.